not an easy thing
2002-04-22 at 9:13 p.m.

Sometimes being an only child sucks! I mean, not for the being spoiled thing or any of that. I think it is the lack of social thing. I realize now that I am in my early 30s that my childhood had made me what I am today..the super friendly, want to make everyone happy (yet still make fun of whoever I want) person. Maybe if I had siblings I would have turned out different?

I am realizing that as much as I have always wanted a relationship with someone, I never thought it would be so hard. Not hard in the bad sense, just hard work. I don't seem to need my 'own space' as I have in the past. I enjoy seening Ryan when he comes home. And when he is not home when I expect he will be, I miss him. And then wonder what the hell he is doing.

I realize that we are two differnt people with so much alike it's sick. We think alike and act alike and sometimes I don't even mention to him when we think the same thing. It is almost scary.

The hard part is the maintenance. I only hope I can handle that. Some days are so fucking great I want to touch him all the time. Others are so questionable I don't know what to do or how to act.

Last night we went to JJ's for a BBQ. as always, the first hour is spent with Ryan and Jen being all friendly. So I hang with Jo (Jen's husband) and do whatever. So, I deal with it and then later he asks if I am all right. Well, sure I guess I am, I am used to it right?

I think that sometimes I am a little more into this relationship than he is. Am I being paranoid? Maybe. Or maybe I just need a little more attention than he is willing to give?

I have never felt this way about a person or even lived (alone) with someone like this before and I guess it scares me. I don't want to find out in 6 months that I was a fool and have to pack my shit, yet again. I want this to work. And I know it will work.

Don't get me wrong! I am not complaining about anything (ok, maybe the sex thing).

I just want him to know how much I care about him and how much I want this to work. I think it will. Ww just need to get through some rough edges, mine and his.

Overall, I love my life right now. I love coming home and sharing my day (shitty or not) and him sharing his day (mostly shitty). I love watching him laugh. I love his smile and I love kissing him while I pass by.

I am in love.

And no one ever said it was easy, right?