maintaining my existence
2002-07-22 at 11:30 a.m.

Funny how my life has changed in the past 6 months. And not for the better.

I don't exercise anymore

or take my vitamins

or pay my bills on time

or wear make-up (not that that matters)

or keep my car clean

I have become someone I don't even know.

I bought a bag of cat food on 6/13/02. My $11.89 bag of cat food has now cost me $211.89 since I was stupid enough to deposit my paycheck in my savings and not checking. And then I didn't realize it until the bank started sending me returned check notices. So, I am at around $480 in check fees, no to mention the other fees, and collection letters (which is about what my rent is) This little problem has snowballed into the following check and now I am unable to cover a few bills. I am thoroughly depressed and broke.

And my home relationship is not that great. I can't even get it into words. I have realized that Ryan is carrying so much crap around from the past he has no room in there to love someone or accept love from someone. And I already knew that I would never be or equal his old girlfriend who passed away. Is it time for me to regain my life and move on? I am out of tears from this. All dried up.

Last weekend we were fighting and talking and fighting about what 'happened' to us and he decides to take the dogs swimming at the river. Yes, at 2am. He said he would be back in a couple hours. Well, I get a call at 8am and someone had stolen his truck WITH the dogs in it. He apparently went back to this party we were at earlier (a party that was over and the girl who had it was asleep ::passed out:: upstairs when he tried to knock on the door)and no, she doesn't have a swimming pool.

So, I spent a hellacious day with him yesterday, just trying to survive the frustration of HIM being upset about his missing dogs and truck, and ME being sad about that AND our relationship. This makes the 3rd time he hasn't come home (even if it is a semi-valid excuse I am still over it!)But that's irrelevant at this juncture.

We got the truck back with only one dog in it. The puppy. So, my favorite old guy is out there somewhere. I miss him. Animal Control doesn't have him and he is not in the neigh borhood that I think he was dropped at. Where are you? Come home!!!!

My life sucks right now and I am feeling kind of helpless. I need to get some strength and put myself number one from now on. What the hell happened to me? If this is what happens when you fall in love then I don't want any part of it....ever!