too much thinking and not enough doing
2002-07-31 at 3:12 p.m.

My boss fired the manager at our Inn in Santa Fe. I never even thought about wanting to move there (since I have already spent 3 months there when I originally came out west). Didn't give it a thought until the other morning on the front porch, while drinking our coffee, Ryan says "Why don't you want that Santa Fe job?" Which I didn't take in any way until I was driving to work. And then I thought "Fuck it!" Why DON'T I want that job? Not like I have ANYTHING here holding my back... The town has taken its toll on my emotionally and financially. Why NOT just move away and start over again?

Well, after inquiring I find out that my bosses have hired someone to run that Inn already. That sucks. I really would have considered it right now. And I am not one that runs away from her problems or situations either. Ok, maybe a little avoidance sometimes, but still.

Ryan and I went to a bbq with 2 other couples on Monday. Had a great time, but felt very awkward as to who I was supposed to be? His girlfriend, his roommate, his buddy, or someone that he just took so he wouldn't be the 5th wheel!? Maybe I think too much.

Maybe that is my whole problem. I think too much. I think about why I feel wierd about coming home late, about why I need someone's touch every now and then, about why I can't even bring up paying the bills for fear of someone being crabby to me, about why I can be totally head over heels in love with someone and I thought they felt the same only to find out they don't even LIKE me anymore.

I am trying to get to Santa Fe next week. Even if just for a few days away.

I slept in the back bedroom last night and slept the best night I have in 4 months.