baby steps
2002-08-03 at 2:37 p.m.

Oh poo! My gold memebrship ran out. and I am broke right now and unable to renew. Not that I really know what it was doing for me!?

So, I had a nice sit down with a friend and have realized some major possibilities for the slump in our relationship. I swear it was a slap in the face pretty much.

Ryan has said before that I should just be 'me'. Well, I thought I was and still couldn't figure out who that was. I do now. I have been so caught up in making this perfect. The perfect home, the perfect wifey person, the perfect relationship. All the things that I wanted and needed, but not so much Ryan. It all makes so much sense. And I am not saying that me changing into this person is the only thing wrong. Yes, his lack of respect by not calling or even coming home is a major part of it too. But I can now accept that we both are sabotaging this situation.

I have decided to focus on me for awhile. Listen to my inner goddess and get my shit together. Lord knows it has been a bit disrupted for the past 6 months. (yes, we made it to 6 months on Thursday and no, he had no clue. and I didn't even care about that)

Going to see the Cowboy Junkies tonight up in the mountains. Free concert of one of my favorite bands, yeah!! Ryan is working today and won't be home until after 6pm so i am either going alone or with some friends. I am afraid to drive up there for fear of drinking too much and not being able to drive my ass back home, or worse...drive my ass home. I have 2 hours to figure it out I guess.

Mariel gave me a reading last night and confirmed all that I have recently discovered so I am now feeling better about the situation. I know we can work this out. We have this unbelievable connection that I don't think can be duplicated. No, I will never be his old girlfriend and I hope he knows that no one will. I can only be Trish. I just need to find out who that is (or was).