mental health day...literally
2002-08-06 at 12:11 p.m.

So I took yesterday off for a mental health day. It was nice!

Around midnight I lay in bed with my mind racing...

Why does he do this to me?

Why doesn't he care how I feel?

Why can't I quit thinking of this and get some sleep instead?

Because I DO care and I worry some day that he may get into an accident or get picked up for a dui. I don't even worry that he is out galavanting with someone. I do trust him.

So, he finally gets home, walks down the hall and turns on my light. "Well, I did a good thing. And a bad thing," he says. As I roll over to see him through my partially crusted eyes through the bright bedroom, I murmur "Yeah??"

He said, "Well....I went to see a counselor. (my ears barely able to comprehend that I just heard that) And then I went and got drunk!"

Still stunned by the thought that he actually went to talk to someone on his own I didn't really hear the last part. Of course it was already assumed.

I got up and put on a robe to go out for a cigarette with him. I wanted to hear more. I wanted to believe that this was happening. I wanted to hear him say "I am all better now!" Well, he told me a little about it I think his counselor sounds all right. I tried to offer advice and support for getting through the first few visits. I think he felt good about going. I hope so. I want him to get things out and feel better. I want him to smile more, to WANT someone's touch. I really hope he sticks this out. I know it will do wonders for him. A long time coming for him.

Meanwhile... I am reading a book by Terrence Real called "Why can't I get through to you?: Reconnecting men and women" Last night I read a chapter that was SO 'us' it was ridiculous. So we are not alone after all. It ISN'T all me or all him. It made me hopeful. I am still trying to find that girl that fell in love with him. And by golly I think I saw her briefly yesterday.

I see a glimmer. Somewhere out there.

It is amazing that in less than one year, one human being on this earth can experience such a range of locations, emotions, and behaviors, and still search to get back to their original place or should I say 'space' in life.