the best time is now the worst
2003-02-22 at 10:21 p.m.

I am finally making the commitment to quit smoking (again) only this time I won't be delivering bone marrow to Cleveland with a raging head cold and think it will be okay for me to get hammered and smoke a pack of cigarettes "cuz with this head cold I will never notice the after effests". Except the fact that it wasn't okay when I went and bought ANOTHER pack of smokes, confirming the fact that I was indeed hooked again only afetr 24 hours.

Ryan and I have been spending a lot of time together as friends. We went to albuquerque last weekend to pick up his new puppy. OMIGOD he is the cutest thing I have ever seen and he is the best puppy I have ever met. We hung out today and went shopping and laughed a lot. Watched a truly stupid movie and I had to leave when I heard him snoring and thinking I would never make it out from the sleepy fog that hung over me.

So I came home and opened up the new CD I got on our shopping trip. Yes, The Snatch soundtrack. So, to back up a little...I am taking Zyban, which on day 2 last night I had a few drinks at the VFW, and it is actually making me a little depressed. I remember this from the last time I was on it. So, anyway... I am listening to the Snatch soundtrack and it is bringing me back to the time I met Ryan and we were shacking up at his house in the mountains. It was the happiest time of my life. Why does listening to it now make me feel so fricking sad? I am not blaming it on the Zyban, but would like to! Sp there. It's all your fault little purple pill! Maybe I am just lonely out here in the middle of nowhere and miss that fucker who stole my heart and smashed it into little pieces like a fine piece of French china. And I could send you to that time if someone would help me fix my damn archive page that Andrew screwed up for me! HELP? I have only emailed Mr. Diaryland only 5 times with no response. But then again I am no longer a Gold member so he won't reply. But wait...even WHEN I was a gold member he didn't reply so I shouldn't feel bad, huh?

OK... SNL is on soon, so I must compose myself. And only 4 days until I quit this filthy habit. Until then...I need a smoke.