wake up call
2004-08-13 at 6:23 p.m.

I had to go to the baby doctor yesterday to get a new pill prescription. Luckily since I am now 35 ::shutters at the thought:: I didn't have to have an annual -kickin your legs to Jesus while they swab your insides- and only had to have weight and blood pressure check.

WELL.. slushy had a first reading at 132/104 so I had to wit for the nurse, since that was a little high. Another reading after the NP was freaking me out about high blood pressure revealed a 154/101 reading. What the hell? I have had a few high readings in the past, but shit! So, she wouldn't give me a refill and suggested I stop back a couple times to have a re-check so if it is a fluke then she will give me a refill -a month at a time. Well, I was considering going off the pill for a couple months anyway, but then she asked, "do you have a partner right now?" Ummm, NO. But, thanks for reminding me!

I hate the thought of not being regular in the monthly cycle thing. Aside from an occasional sexual encounter (ok, it has been 6 weeks now already) I like to be on the Pill so I am regular. I know exactly to the date and time when I will get Aunt Flo. It is nice to know. And if I don't want to have a period that month (ie: vacation, hot date, out of women's supplies) I can just start a new pack before that last week and I am good to go until the next 'visit'.

So, after they charge me $25 for the friendly visit, I am totally freaked out and start crying on my way back to work. I mean, this is a big thing. I hate salt, so that isn't the culprit. Yes, I smoke too much and drink too much, but at least I am walking every morning (except this morning because I was hungover from last night's "I can't deal with this right now..I need a drink" episode which ended at midnight after organizing my CD wallet. I am amazed that my 300disc CD wallet is already full and have 2 travel wallets full too!

Anyway, I am not in the best of moods and I realized that I need some major lifestyle changes. At least I got rid of Devin and going to the bar every night. That should've helped. NOT. Now I feel like I can FEEL my blood pressure. I cried on Ryan's shoulder (well, on the phone) and said I need to quit drinking and smoking. I suggested MOnday as a good start date. He said he will quit smoking with me (since he is now at 21 months of not drinking). I think I can do it. I mean, it IS for a good reason. Maybe God gave me this little wake-up call to get my shit together. Maybe all the times I have asked Him to help me, he is coming thorough and I just need to listen. I am freaked, and it doesn't help the blood pressure I'm sure. Actually, I can also call it hypertension, but I don't like that word because it sounds like I am stressed out, which I am not. I have a great job that I love, and an apt. that I am beginning to love. And a best friend that I am still in love with. I know Ryan will help me through it, I mean shit, he was a bigger drinker than I was (well maybe) and he was able to wuit drinking. But then 5 months later he had a stroke. What if I change my lifestyle and my body freaks out and I have a stroke or a heart attack. I am almost afraid to workout now so I DON'T have a heart attack. I suppose I will finish my 'When I die" file so in case I do, Ryan will know how to sell my Marilyn memorabilia and pay for my cremation and small memorial service, which entails probably two people sitting around a boom box listening to my favorite songs, with horse-de-ovaries of tap water and low sodium triscuits. Sounds like fun, will you come? Then my bunny kitties ashes can be mixed with mine and they can dump them on the top of my favorite mountain.

On a lighter note...As fat as I feel, considering I can't fit into ANY of my last summer clothes, I only gained 4 pounds since last July. I think my fat is re-positioning itself on my ass and thighs.

I hate getting old!