manic depressive psycho from Hell
2004-10-12 at 5:35 p.m.

Why is it that when I am most happy with my friendship with Ryan it turns painful? I think he is seeing someone and all I can say is paybacks are a bitch huh? He won't share, but He doesn't return my phone calls on the weekend anymore (out with the new love interest?) It is frustrating. And now he wants me to watch Udda, the old guy this weekend. Last weekend I watched my boss's dog Chloe, it was heaven. She is such a sweet girl. We walked a lot and she slept with me and didn't hog the bed!
I am sure I will watch his dog, but it frustrates me to no end. I feel like I am just here to help him out when he needs it. I will admit he has helped me a lot when I needed to get files burned onto a CD or something. Oh, and he did drive me to the mountains to distribute bunny's ashes.

I am just hurt. I realized I will not call him over the weekend anymore. Why set myself up? I will go out and meet new people. (where??) Then my social calendar will be so fricking busy that I won't have time for him anymore. He doesn't seem to give a rats ass about me unless I am going to help him organize, or watch his pets. Who knows. That's just how I feel at this very moment.

I have been in a weird mood lately. I can't seem to get it together. One day I am happy as can be and the next I am a raving depressed lunatic. I ran out of my wellbutrin 2 weeks ago and damn it, I think I actually NEED to be on them. Now I need to find a doctor ($65 visit) and get a prescription ($140 later) It gets expensive being depressed! A girl at work who is on tons of antidepressants, xanax, and who knows what else, gave me some lexapro, but I took one today and felt like I was on speed. She gave me enough for 2 months worth since she gets them for free, she don't worry I will supply you if they do the trick. Not sure I want to take them though.
Painted my bathroom last weekend. And then on Sunday I painted the door to bathroom, and my bedroom door, out in the back yard, I left them to dry while I did some laundry and I came back to kitten tracks up and down both. Well, I put them up anyway. It will be a new conversation piece when people ask how I can have kitty prints on a vertical surface.
Going to watch a movie tonight and finish jam labels from my old job. Get them done and get that place out of my life! Sometimes I want to sell everything I own and move far away without letting anyone know where I am at. Well, for a few months anyway... OK, maybe just not tell Ryan and my mother.